On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
