My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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