A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think my moral compass just broke
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
