Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
