So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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