Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
