i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
