I'm really into asian looking animals
pop tarts are not kleenex
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
