i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize