Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
