dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
