I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
