so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
