My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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