I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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