ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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