the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
