You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize