I skipped work to stalk him.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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