I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The Olympian is in my bed
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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