if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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