So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
