i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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