Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
