This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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