Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
