dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
