I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
