Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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