so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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