I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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