I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
