Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
