If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Drunk is not a location!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
