The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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