I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
