Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
