You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
