True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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