I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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