Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
