Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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