guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
