so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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