How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
