So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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