Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
