i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
