so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
