two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize