did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
