The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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