I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
