I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
