I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
