A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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