someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
