those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
