at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
