theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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